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Power
struggles and even shouting matches are not
uncommon during the teen years. School is one of
the best breeding grounds for these power
struggles.
This is
simply because parents and teenagers do not see
the importance of school in the same way. For us
as parents, we work all day, kids don't, school
is their job, and so they should want to get
good grades. For the teenager, school is their
social world interrupted by 6 or 7 classes a
day.
That, as they say, is the
bad news.
The good news is that it
does not have to be that way.
A typical family
One family
I worked with is a great example of this power
struggle. Fortunately, they are also a great
example of how to end the power struggle.
When this
family first came my way, the mother and son
were locked in a huge power struggle over
school. As is often the case, the mom was a
great student in school and expected her son to
be the same way.
And of course, he wasn't.
The more
mom pressed the son about school, the more he
would resist. The more he would resist, the
harder she would press.
And so on.
The way out of the
power struggle
Some
people would tell the mom that she just had to
stay the course, try harder, and make her
son do well in school. Bad plan.
There are
some so-called parenting expert therapists that
would tell the mom to just let the kid crash,
and if he flunks, he flunks. Another bad
plan.
The way
out I often use with families I call the "in
charge of school ceremony."
It's
difficult for teens to believe, but parents do
not enjoy nagging them about school. The parents
would like to do something else with their time
besides nagging a teen about school.
One of the
strongest desires for teenagers is to be more
and more in charge of themselves. Teens would
love to get their parents off their back about
school.
That's
where the "in charge of school ceremony"
comes in.
When we
put the teen in charge of school, and he handles
it well, and the parents are still bugging about
school, then I'll start bugging the parents.
When we
put the teen in charge of school and she doesn't
handle it, the teen has just given their parents
an engraved invitation to live in their back
pocket and nag them endlessly about school.
The "in
charge of school ceremony" is just one of
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Tips and
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