“OK, what are FAQ’s?”, you may be asking. FAQ’s is computer language for “frequently asked questions.” At the end of every parent seminar I lead, we have an open-ended question and answer session. It’s called “Let’s play stump the therapist.” Parents can ask any question they want and I give the best answer I can

   While occasionally there is a question I have never heard before, most of the time parents seem to have some common concerns.

   In today’s column we will look at some of the commonly asked questions from parents, from both seminars and your mail, along with answers from other parents and myself. Here goes -

“What do you do with kids who constantly whine?”

   The best answer yet I’ve  heard from a parent was to say in response to whining, “would you like a little cheese with that wine?”

    Anyway, let’s get a “should” out of the way here in the beginning. Many parents will say “well they shouldn’t be whining.” While that may be true, the fact is they are still whining. So let’s deal with it.

   Here are two techniques that have been successful with many families.

      The first is to have absolutely no response to the “noise” of whining. The goal is to act as if you have heard absolutely nothing. It may take some time, and it may get noisy, but eventually they will “get it” that you no longer pay attention to whining.

      The second is similar to the first in outcome, just very different in the implementation. The next time a child whines, whine right back. Match what they do. After they get over the shock that mom and dad have gone nuts, they will get the message that this tactic doesn’t work anymore.

How do we handle discipline in our home? How do we handle consequences?

   Let’s start by making a distinction between punishment and consequences. In general, punishment is a way for the parent to deal with their anger and frustration. Discipline and consequences are for the child to learn about how the real world works.

   Having said that, there are six key factors involved in appropriate consequences, divided into two categories, the three R’s and the three S’s.

The three R’s are from Stephen Glenn’s book “Raising Self-reliant Children in a Self-indulgent World ( Prima Publishing, $10.95).”

Related - the consequence needs to fit the crime.

Reasonable - makes sense in both the life of the child and the life of the parents and the rest of the family.

Respectful - holds them accountable without shaming.

   The three S’s are something I have created out of my work with families over the years.

Swift - the consequence needs to come as soon as possible after the event.

Strong - the consequences needs to be strong enough to get their attention.

Short-term - “You’re grounded for life doesn’t work.” It needs to be long enough to get their attention, and short enough to keep their attention.

How do we find time to be together as a family with all our busy schedules?

   Before I answer that question, let’s put it in a certain context. How much time do you think the average American family spends all together during an average day. Two hours, one hour, maybe thirty minutes? All those would be over estimates. Research shows that the Average American Family spends just fourteen and one half minutes a day, all together. And twelve of those minutes are spent disciplining, correcting  and planning how to get through the next day. Which leaves only 21/2 minutes for all the others things we are supposed to do as a family.

   The first thing you want to do is call a family meeting, that everyone must attend. At the meeting, get everyone’s schedule for the next week. With everyone’s schedule in front of you, pick a night that will now be called “family night.” Family night means that those hours are blocked out on your schedule. Nothing is allowed to interfere with this time. Honor and protect this time as you would a business meeting.

   “What do we do with this time?” Good question. Here’s a list of do’s and don’ts.

Don’ts

watch TV.  It’s the number one reason families don’t spend time together.

talk about problems. This time is for fun and enjoyment.

Do

have fun. Sometimes let the kids take the lead in play.

create memories. Think long term. What can you do that your kids will tell their kids about? Here’s an example. Recently my wife had an all day Saturday class. Usually our son and I would go somewhere and do something. He just didn’t want to leave the house that day. So we found all the extra sheets and clothes pins we could and built a huge tent fort in our great room. Daddy and two year old Jonathon played , ate lunch in there, and napped in there. I’m not sure if he will remember it, but I sure will.

ask your kids what they think about current events. You’ll be amazed at the minds you have in front of you.     

   That’s it for today’s FAQ’s from parents. If you would like to see similar concerns addressed in this column, please let me know at the address below.

askjeff@jeffherring.com