It's universal and timeless. When parents and
teenagerss come together, whether during the casual
days of summer or the hopped-up schedule of the
school year, things can go south in a hurry.
"Why do you keep nagging me about that?"
"Nagging? I'm not nagging."
Jeff Herring, family therapist, spends a lot
of time counseling parents about why teenagers say
and do what they say and do and how best to deal
with youngsters in the throes of adolescence.
Lately, though, Herring has turned the
psychological tables, counseling teenagers on why
parents say and do what they say and do and how
best to deal with adults in the throes of
parenthood.
"These are things kids can do for the care
and feeding of their parents," said Herring,
author and nationally syndicated columnist based
in Tallahassee, Fla. Herring, who used to
live in Overland Park, has a counseling Web site
at www.jeffherring.com. "Basically, I'm telling
them that if you want your parents off your
back, here are some strategies to do it."
Directing advice toward teens rather than
parents isn't something you hear much about,
said Stephen Sirridge, professor of psychology
at Avila University. But it's a great way for
young people to learn how to get more of what
they want, he said.
"It's teaching them how to negotiate," said
Sirridge, co-author of a new book, The Land of
Odds: Parenting the Teen Tornado. "These are
life skills. They learn to assess not only what
they want but what other people's needs are and
the circumstances of the situation."
Sure, asking teenagers to tune in to their
parents is a tall order, Sirridge said. But the
oft-used teen strategy, wearing parents down to
get their way, has only spotty success and
creates mounds of bad feelings.
"If you're obnoxious enough for long enough
you may get your way, but ultimately it
backfires," Sirridge said. "You've learned how
to push people, but in the long run it creates
resentment. It'll blow up."
One of the most important strategies for taming
parents is recognizing when conditions are ideal
for negotiating or rather when they're not
ideal. Discuss chores, allowances, curfew
changes, going-out privileges, whatever, during
times of good feelings, Sirridge said. Teens
shouldn't demand a later curfew while heading
out the door or try to renegotiate room-cleaning
duties in the middle of a parental lecture.
Pick low-stress times for a discussion,
Sirridge said, after a good meal, for instance,
or on the way somewhere when it's just teen and
parent in the car. And teens should know their
family's values well enough to realize that some
things aren't negotiable.
Avoid the nagging
If you find yourself complaining about
nagging parents, ask yourself these questions:
How long have you known your parents? Based on
those 15 or so years, can you kind of predict
what's important to them and what's going to bug
them?
"Contrary to popular belief, parents don't stay
up at night thinking, `How many ways can I nag
them tomorrow?'" Herring said.
Pick a thing your parents nag you about. Get
ahead of the situation and do it or fix it
before they even say anything. Enjoy the shock
and confusion on their faces.
Consider perspectives
In your eyes, you're all grown up. In your
parents' eyes, you're the same person they once
held in their arms. In other words, understand
that it's wonderful but also hard for your
parents to see you grow up. If they treat you
like a kid sometimes, realize the perspective
they're bringing to the situation, then
negotiate.
Also, their advanced years inform them in ways
you can't know yet. Consider the helicopter
analogy: When you're 15, you view the world from
a helicopter 15 feet off the ground. When you're
hovering 40 feet off the ground, things look a
lot different."This is probably the hardest
one for kids to get," Herring said.
Use parents as
resources
This should be easier: Your parents are not
the enemy. In fact, they are loaded with
information. Pick their brains about any number
of topics, from getting along with certain
people to getting your first job. Plus, you make
them feel good just by asking their advice. Who
doesn't want to feel as though they have some
wisdom to impart?
Cough up an anecdote
Your parents are interested in you, so you
know it's going to happen: They will ask you
about your day. If you handle it the wrong way,
the conversation will go like this: How was your
day? Fine. What did you do? Nothing. Oh, you
must have done something. Aaugh!
Don't have that exchange. Instead, pick out one
thing from your day and tell them all about it.
That will satiate them for a while. During
school it's OK to remind them that you've just
been through six or seven classes and need some
downtime.
Provide the W's
up front
When you're heading out to be with friends, you
already know the details your parents must have.
Where are you going? What will you be doing? Who
will you be doing it with? When will you be
home?
Don't consider this an intrusion. It's
actually your ticket to freedom. Consistently -
and honestly - supply this information and the
more your parents will let you do. Some teens
have a form they fill out with blanks next to
the W's, Herring said. They fill in the
blanks and avoid the interrogation.
Build trust
You want to be more and more in charge of
yourself, and guess what? That's what your
parents want, too. Nobody wants you living in
the house at age 30. The more you show you can
be trusted, the more freedom you will have.
Ask yourself a question: Is what I'm doing
something that will build trust or something
that will break trust?
"In a family, trust is a commodity," Herring
said. "The more you earn, the more you will be
in charge of yourself."
LEAH BLAKE
Age: 16
Lives in: Overland Park
Issue: Between going out with friends this
summer and working, Leah often isn't home in the
evenings. Her mom wants to see her more, not to
do anything in particular but just to be around.
"My side of it is that I've only got one more
year with my high school friends, and anyway I
think I am around some," Leah says.
Jeff Herring, family therapist:
This is a case of battling perceptions. Leah is
right, but her mom's view is that she will have
Leah around for only a little while longer
before she is off into her own life. They should
pick a family night during the week when
everyone is home and the family does something
together, even if it's just to hang out.
JAMES MILLER
Age: 15
Lives in: Kansas City
Issue: James thinks his parents try to stay in
touch with him way too much. When he's with his
friends at a movie or at places like Worlds of
Fun, they call him. He likes his cell phone, but
the constant checking-up is annoying. "I'm where
I'm supposed to be. It's like they have to know
what I'm doing at all times to make sure I'm
doing the right thing."
Jeff Herring, family therapist:
Since your parents are going to call anyway, you
might as well get out in front of it and call
them first. I know this stinks, but at least you
will be in charge of when the calls are made. If
you really want to have fun, call your parents
incessantly until they tell you to stop. Let a
couple of weeks go by and discuss the situation
with them. Your goal: Arrive at a prearranged
time or two to call while away from home, then
reduce the number of those calls over time.
CORBIN KLINE
Age: 17
Lives in: Overland Park.
Issue: He wants to stop getting bugged about
his room. Corbin's mom doesn't like all the
clutter, especially the clothes on the floor.
Sometimes she gets fed up and cleans, which he
doesn't appreciate.
"I have a system, even though it's messy. I know
where things are. When she tries to clean, I
don't know where my stuff is."
Jeff Herring, family therapist:
Ann Landers would say, "Once kids turn 13, the
way for parents to handle their room is to close
the door." Unless there's structural damage or
something that can affect the house's resale
value. At the same time, you have lived with
your mom for 17 years and know what to expect
from her. Keep her out of your room and your
"organizational system" by maintaining a minimum
standard of clean, defined by you and your mom.
BRITTANY COLSTON
Age: 15
Lives in: Kansas City
Issue: She wants to go to a professional
basketball exhibition with friends. Her parents
have told her she can't go because they're
ambivalent about a few of the friends. This has
come up with other outings, such as movies and
concerts.
"I really like basketball, and it'll be a nice
experience. They should trust me more not to
make bad decisions when I go places."
Jeff Herring, family therapist:
It may be that your parents trust you but don't
trust your friends. Is there something about the
way these friends behave that's a deal-breaker
for your parents? If not, it could be that the
parents just don't know the friends that well,
and you should find ways for your parents to get
to know them better. Parents need to know the
"who" of what kids are doing, and this might be
a way.